Life is filled with anxiety, some just deal with it better than others... and I was pretty sure I dealt with it better than others.
But maybe that was before I realized that maybe my fears weren't always normal...
I mean everyone thinks about a tsunami every night coming down their street towards the house right?
Everyone has 4 months supply of rice and beans in there emergency kit in case of said tsunami.
Everyone worries about a random tiger attack while within 5km of Auckland zoo.
Everyone has the passenger windows down 2mm just in case they randomly died and the kids needed to yell for help and needed to be heard.
Everyone checks to see if the kids are breathing before they go to bed.
Everyone worries about what would happen if a volcano erupted and the air tuned toxic and the procedures I would go to... what room I would situate the kids in... what I would pack in a "go bag", shutting up the house and wetting all the towels in the house and putting them underneath the doors to stop the toxins coming in.
Everyone has panic attacks in the mall.
Everyone has dark days.
That's normal right?
I went to the doctor for my usual antihistamines and a query about my heavy periods... and lets be honest a sore on the back of my head that has been there for about 5 years on and off that I was convinced was cancer. I read a story on Google... CONVINCED... Cancer...
It isn't... It is a patch of dermatitis that I cant stop picking at... WHEN I"M FUCKING ANXIOUS! But... I have some cream for it now :)
So a double doctors visit later and I'm off getting blood work, cause I'm tired and my muscles hurt, my periods are heavy and he just wants to check some stuff out.
He sends me off to do some homework at depression.org.nz. answer the questionnaire...
I get 19 out of 21, which is high. It told me that I should probably get help.
So I have taken the first step. At the very least getting some things on record.
I'm not sure what the next step is, but it might just be writing about it. I don't know if there is anything more to do about it.
With all the crazy things going on in the news (which I find I cant watch much anymore) and the worry about the mummy judgement and the paranoia about the unknown, I don't think I am any different to anyone else.
I am lucky, I have a stable life and a husband who is supportive and helpful... Who is a fabulous dad. My kids are healthy and I have everything I could ask for. I also have an outlet... Writing.
If you think that you might need help with anything please see a doctor and take the first step. Even if this level of anxiety is "the new normal", that doesn't mean you have to suffer through it.
If all it does is give you the knowledge that you are not alone and give you some ideas and steps to ease your anxiety, then please go and see a doctor or fill out the questionaire at... https://depression.org.nz/is-it-depression-anxiety/